I judge my inner thoughts relentlessly. I think a lot and that’s both a good and a bad thing. Good, because it’s the engine behind my endless curiosity. I crave stimulation, particularly of the mind. Bad, because overthinking can be dangerous. Over the years, I’ve learned how important it is that I learn how to reverse from a dead end. Being so prone to traveling down rabbit holes, I need to know I’ll be able to find my way out of potentially damaging thought patterns and obsessive thinking. It took me a while to even learnt what that meant to me and I still have to be on my toes for the many ways those unhealthy behaviors might present or justify themselves. I’m learning, unlearning, and additionally learning better ways to do both of them. Needless to say, it’s a very busy place in my mind.
Even though it happens rarely, people occasionally realize that I do this. I think I have tried very hard not to share my opinions over the past few years, because it brings no benefit to any of us. The person I’m talking to becomes confused (sometimes because they just don’t get it, sometimes because we just have no chemistry), and I may start to feel blue-balled, as if I’d been robbed of a good conversation.
There are many times that I want to talk about myself, because I like observing myself as much as I enjoy observing others. It must be because I’m the only person whose behavior I actually get to change, the only brain and body I get to steer. I should be very happy that that is the case, because otherwise, I would sound like a maniac who enjoys manipulating people. Thankfully, I dislike being too deeply involved with many others. Unfortunately for my husband, he is the only person that I ever spill my truest thoughts to. It is his blessing, but mostly his curse.
The pain of intimacy
Before I start talking about the present state of my emotional body, I need to trace back a few steps. Besides being a chronic over-thinker, I am also very emotionally sensitive though few would actually think so. But in my early life, I was so sensitive that it became really important to me that I learned to be less reactive to others’ responses to me. I find any form of rejection, perceived or not, to be very painful. Even if their approval would mean nothing to me. I don’t care whether or not someone likes me, but it feels safer than being rejected.
But having lived with this sensitivity has made me so self-conscious that at some point, I decided that I needed to learn to become more still and quiet in my emotions. It was important that any satisfaction I took from external validation was quickly tamped down. I was not allowed to feel that way. I didn’t want to learn about why I wanted approval so badly, I just knew that I didn’t want to want it. Meanwhile, I never stopped reading people’s micro expressions. I never stopped prying into the minds and machinations of the average human being, even if I absented my true emotional self from any interactions with them.
On the other hand, I taught myself how to be completely numb and as still as a plant. I could see no other way to be in connection with others, while remaining completely unaffected myself. So I learned to psychoanalyze, to read the room, feel their emotions, speculate their subconscious motivations.
I’m not sure if you think that’s disgusting.